For the past couple of days I have been very mad about moving. Mad that I left, mad about where I live, mad about the job I took compared to the job I had, and even mad at stupid stuff like the traffic I was sitting in after work yesterday. But today, today was different. Nothing spectacular happened, in fact this morning I woke up to find out someone in China had cloned my debit card number and stole $160 from me; but still all day I was just .... happy. Even when the powder coat stripping liquid got on my forehead and left a big burn blister, I just laughed.
I finally feel content and happy with what I am doing. I'm not sure what it is but I am doing something. I am trying to make my life better and give myself better opportunities to have a better life. So I apologize to anyone who may have gotten caught up in the path of my angry rants and raves the past couple days. I am sorry. But to some of those same people, thank you for what you have given and provided me with so that I could have this chance.
So cross your fingers and hope that I succeed, cause I know I am.
"It looks like an aeroplane,....with out wings!"
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Why I moved
Ya know I was asked by multiple people
over the past couple of days why exactly I was moving from Ephraim to
Spanish Fork. My answer though it sounded like a good one, was a lie.
Every time I was asked I gave the same reasons, though they are some
what true, the actual reasons are a bit different.
The reason I move was because of guilt,
yes guilt. Guilt from all those people who “know” whats best for
me. From those people that “know” I was unhappy in Ephraim. Guess
what... I wasn't. I liked it there.
Lets start from the top, the job.
Though I know the opportunities seem great and the money is better I
didn't really even want to interview for this new job. I felt bad
that Rob had gone out of my way to tell me about the opening and set
something up for me that I kindly agreed to interview. As I prepped
for the interview I told my self that I would not take the job on the
spot and that I would think about it before accepting anything.
Well....we all know what happened next. They offered and with 5 sets
of would be employer's eyes staring at me I begrudgingly took the
job. And yes after thinking about it and overhearing conversations at
the shop it ended up being what's best for the shop, as in letting
them save a little bit of money by not having to pay me; I never had
any intentions of leaving them for a few years. Joke was now on me.
NEXT comes all the extra people that
know whats best for me. For the past two years I have been told that
I would be much happier if I moved back to Utah Valley, that things
would get better in my life, that I would have better opportunities
for work, school and social life. Who's to say I didn't already have
the opportunities I wanted down in Ephraim? How could anyone think
that what I had down there wasn't exactly what I wanted? Did anyone
even bother to ask?.....NO.
You know for the past few years I have
put up with everyone's suggestions and not so subtle hints of why I
should move back to Utah Valley, and for the most part I just
shrugged them off and didn't really care. But look at me now, all the
endless nagging and prodding and bugging finally got to me and I made
decisions that I now 100% regret. I quit a job that, though I wasn't
going anywhere fast, I loved. I had a house that I was living in,
granted with 4 other college students but guess what?! It had heat,
AND hot water. What a novel idea. I lived in a place that was quiet
and calm and I didn't have to deal with traffic or road construction.
I knew people everywhere I went. I felt like I could be who I wanted
to be, not what everyone else thought I should be.
So go ahead pat each other on the back,
congratulate one another on a job well done. You have made me hate my
life a little more. You have made me feel like no matter what I have
done in the past few years I got to roll it up and throw it in the
trash. I am back to the start. Back where I started and frankly I
hate it.
I wish I had never moved. I wish I
could go back 2 ½ weeks and restart. I know I wasn't going to be
rich and powerful in Ephraim but I didn't care. I was fine with that.
I was happy. And now.......now I am not.
Thank you, thank you all so much.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
17 years
What changes can 17 years bring?
Everything is seemingly different, the time, the faces, the places, the daily routine; but on some days it doesn't matter. Some days the feelings are the same. They may not manifest like they have in the past but they are there.
Despite what we do and what we say the past 17 years have been something no one could have predicted or planned for. The underlying tone of the past years is one we all didn't ask for, or definitely want.
With out our consent the one event has shaped our lives, changed us for ever and made us rethink what we do and why we do it. Made us realize we can never completely control our future. At times we just have to hold on tight, grit our teeth and hope the rough parts are worth it.
..
..
Though it may not be said or even felt at times I have to say I love my family. I am grateful for everything they have done for not only me but for each other, especially in the past 17 years.
Thank you for everything.
Everything is seemingly different, the time, the faces, the places, the daily routine; but on some days it doesn't matter. Some days the feelings are the same. They may not manifest like they have in the past but they are there.
Despite what we do and what we say the past 17 years have been something no one could have predicted or planned for. The underlying tone of the past years is one we all didn't ask for, or definitely want.
With out our consent the one event has shaped our lives, changed us for ever and made us rethink what we do and why we do it. Made us realize we can never completely control our future. At times we just have to hold on tight, grit our teeth and hope the rough parts are worth it.
..
..
Though it may not be said or even felt at times I have to say I love my family. I am grateful for everything they have done for not only me but for each other, especially in the past 17 years.
Thank you for everything.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Not very many people read anyway..
You know I have realized, ever since blogger changed their dashboard, no body really reads this blog. I don't know why I have it still or even why I write any more. But wait! I do it to vent, to blow off steam and to say things I want to say that I know nobody will read and even if they do I can ignore people's comments about it.
So with that being said, I am tired. I am sick of how life has turned out. Every time I have gotten a chance to be happy and have a better life I have thrown it away and in turn I make stupid mistakes over and over and over again. I have nothing to show for my 26 years I have been around. Well nothing to be proud of. I am sick of making the same mistakes over and over again and I want it to stop.
I need a break from EVERYTHING. I want to just leave and push everything to the side and do nothing but be happy and do what I WANT for a couple days.
And another thing, I miss her. Yeah if you know anything of the past year you will know who I am talking about. And Mom and Brent don't call and ask about it cause I don't want to talk about it. I made stupid choices and though I know she is happier than ever and I am glad for that, I am miserable. I want to just run far far away and restart life. Some where new, a place I don't know anybody. I would love that.
I am just tired and depressed with life, I want to be happy I just don't know how.
So with that being said, I am tired. I am sick of how life has turned out. Every time I have gotten a chance to be happy and have a better life I have thrown it away and in turn I make stupid mistakes over and over and over again. I have nothing to show for my 26 years I have been around. Well nothing to be proud of. I am sick of making the same mistakes over and over again and I want it to stop.
I need a break from EVERYTHING. I want to just leave and push everything to the side and do nothing but be happy and do what I WANT for a couple days.
And another thing, I miss her. Yeah if you know anything of the past year you will know who I am talking about. And Mom and Brent don't call and ask about it cause I don't want to talk about it. I made stupid choices and though I know she is happier than ever and I am glad for that, I am miserable. I want to just run far far away and restart life. Some where new, a place I don't know anybody. I would love that.
I am just tired and depressed with life, I want to be happy I just don't know how.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The Story II
The sun rose over the frost covered forest as the young man stumbled into a clearing. The thick undergrowth had been tripping him up and making the past four months of hiking miserable. It didn't help either that he had been left alone for the past eight miles. The hero climbed to his feet and slowly made his way over to a small rock in the clearing. As he sat there considering the past four months and what had happened he couldn't help but feel depressed and wanted to just sleep. He knew that when he went to sleep that just meant he had to get up in the morning and start the hike again. As he sat and contemplated the past little while he thought of the hope he had and the ambition that came with it. The idea of starting a better life and moving on from a forest that seems to have no end.
As the sun continued to come up the young traveler could see movement just within the edge of the trees. For days he had been alone with no one to speak with, the thought of another person frightened and excited him at the same time. As he tried to focus his eyes on the spot where he noticed the movement a pinprick of light flashed to his right, darting through the trees a tiny illuminated speck sped past. He could hear a ringing of a small brass bell in the distance but some how close by at the same time. The miniscule light circled him time and time again, passing in front of his eyes fast enough to make him dizzy. The ringing continued to get louder but never to the point that hurt his hears, it remained a constant pleasant sound. Finally with out warning the light popped, sounding like a fire cracker the speck of light vanished in a small shower of sparks.
Confused and unsure what had just happened the weary man sat back down with his back against the rock and his face in the sun. The warmth felt good after a night in the cold. He began to feel like his old self again, confident, happy and hopeful. The sun seemed to recharge his spirits for his journey. Even as his mind wandered to tender subjects: lost companions, distant family, even the distant little girl he only ever heard stories of, he felt...peaceful. Then it came, the feeling, someone was watching him. He opened his eyes and with out moving his head tried to scan his surroundings. Nothing, no one was with in miles; as he lowered his head he saw her, him, it.....the little person standing on his bent knees. Scared he may scare it away, the hero dared not move. He sat in wonder of what was standing on his leg. The it spoke, or so he imagined. All he could hear was the ringing of a bell, the same ringing from before, but now as it rang his mind was forming words. "Why are you here? Where are you going? Who are you? What are you looking for?" the tiny little mouth formed words and the ringing of the bell carried their message. He answered, in a quaking voice, scared he may be losing his mind. "I am resting, and I am trying to find a way to the better land. I am just a young traveler,....." the last question eluded him, not sure how to answer. Slowly the words came "...I am looking for happiness....I guess."
They were questions he had never thought of before, now that he had the boy was unsure of his journey. Unsure of the direction and the purpose. The small person continued "I can show you what you are missing, the one you wish to see. Your reason you keep going." as the words faded the creature popped and sparks flew and it was gone. The light came again, this time close to his head, another pop and sparks and the thing hovered, glowing bright gold in front of his face. "If I gave you the ability to see would you use it? It has the possibility to make you understand. Would you regret using it?" The magical being continued to float, seemingly with out effort looking in to his face, asking. "I'll take it." the words slid out of his mouth, unsure if that's what he really wanted. "Then it's yours." the shining person bowed deeply, popped and sparked and was gone.
Our hero, jolted. He had been sleeping. His eyes still blurry with sleep could see only vague shapes in the small clearing, the rock poking into his back and the wetness on his legs made him realize he had been there for a while. As he came more aware of his surroundings he thought back on his dream, that creature, the questions it asked. But wasn't he awake when he first saw the light? When did he fall asleep? None of that mattered now. The young man reached for his bag to grab a small bite before setting back off down the densely covered path. In his bag his hand felt something unfamiliar. Something cold and hard. Carefully he pulled out the foreign object. Turning it over in his hands, a large flat rock had some how found it's way into his bag. He stared at it's smooth surface, no tool marks could be seen, as though it had always been this shape. There was nothing seemingly special about this stone tablet. Carefully he set it down as to not break it. Reaching back into his bag he found the small pouch containing his small morsels of food. As he took a bite of the old hard bread he studied the stone trying to find any clues as to where it came from. There was nothing, not one sign.
After spending a few moments stressing over the rock he decided it was not worth the headache and decided to go back to relaxing and enjoying the sun shine. As he sat there his mind wandered in and out of subjects; from the warmth of the sun and the comfort of the soft grass, to the dread of having to go back into the forest down the path. The thought of the path naturally led to the great friends he had gathered as he moved down the path. As he thought of one in particular, one that referred to himself solely as The Admiral, the stone popped, the same pop he heard in his dream. His attention snapped to the tablet and there out of the stone shone a picture of The Admiral, the likeness was perfect. As he looked at it words appeared below the picture, writings that seemed to come directly from The Admiral him self. Writings that seemed to be his thoughts. The hero sat amazed at this projection from the stone. In one of the writings The Admiral makes mention of an acquaintance they had met as they walked the path. As the man thought of this acquaintance the stone popped again and just like The Admiral the acquaintance appeared, writings and all.
The young adventurer realized quickly this stone could possibly show him anyone he thought of, and their most recent thoughts. He had to test it, he thought of his mother...pop...the stone reflected the warm happy face he had so long had seen on a daily basis. Her smile brought one to his own face. Quickly he thought of best friend from long ago at the academy...pop...the colorful young man he had known for years appeared. Looking older but still with the same familiar mischievous grin. This too made the young traveler happy. The man thought for a second, it seemed to work with anyone, what if......? No, that was the past. He didn't dare bring up something that may cause problems for him self.
He had to....... The temptation was too great......
He turned his thoughts to the travel companion of old, the one that he had left and in turn left him.....pop.......it worked. There she was. A wave of fear, happiness and sadness rushed through him.
"I told you I could show you."
As the sun continued to come up the young traveler could see movement just within the edge of the trees. For days he had been alone with no one to speak with, the thought of another person frightened and excited him at the same time. As he tried to focus his eyes on the spot where he noticed the movement a pinprick of light flashed to his right, darting through the trees a tiny illuminated speck sped past. He could hear a ringing of a small brass bell in the distance but some how close by at the same time. The miniscule light circled him time and time again, passing in front of his eyes fast enough to make him dizzy. The ringing continued to get louder but never to the point that hurt his hears, it remained a constant pleasant sound. Finally with out warning the light popped, sounding like a fire cracker the speck of light vanished in a small shower of sparks.
Confused and unsure what had just happened the weary man sat back down with his back against the rock and his face in the sun. The warmth felt good after a night in the cold. He began to feel like his old self again, confident, happy and hopeful. The sun seemed to recharge his spirits for his journey. Even as his mind wandered to tender subjects: lost companions, distant family, even the distant little girl he only ever heard stories of, he felt...peaceful. Then it came, the feeling, someone was watching him. He opened his eyes and with out moving his head tried to scan his surroundings. Nothing, no one was with in miles; as he lowered his head he saw her, him, it.....the little person standing on his bent knees. Scared he may scare it away, the hero dared not move. He sat in wonder of what was standing on his leg. The it spoke, or so he imagined. All he could hear was the ringing of a bell, the same ringing from before, but now as it rang his mind was forming words. "Why are you here? Where are you going? Who are you? What are you looking for?" the tiny little mouth formed words and the ringing of the bell carried their message. He answered, in a quaking voice, scared he may be losing his mind. "I am resting, and I am trying to find a way to the better land. I am just a young traveler,....." the last question eluded him, not sure how to answer. Slowly the words came "...I am looking for happiness....I guess."
They were questions he had never thought of before, now that he had the boy was unsure of his journey. Unsure of the direction and the purpose. The small person continued "I can show you what you are missing, the one you wish to see. Your reason you keep going." as the words faded the creature popped and sparks flew and it was gone. The light came again, this time close to his head, another pop and sparks and the thing hovered, glowing bright gold in front of his face. "If I gave you the ability to see would you use it? It has the possibility to make you understand. Would you regret using it?" The magical being continued to float, seemingly with out effort looking in to his face, asking. "I'll take it." the words slid out of his mouth, unsure if that's what he really wanted. "Then it's yours." the shining person bowed deeply, popped and sparked and was gone.
Our hero, jolted. He had been sleeping. His eyes still blurry with sleep could see only vague shapes in the small clearing, the rock poking into his back and the wetness on his legs made him realize he had been there for a while. As he came more aware of his surroundings he thought back on his dream, that creature, the questions it asked. But wasn't he awake when he first saw the light? When did he fall asleep? None of that mattered now. The young man reached for his bag to grab a small bite before setting back off down the densely covered path. In his bag his hand felt something unfamiliar. Something cold and hard. Carefully he pulled out the foreign object. Turning it over in his hands, a large flat rock had some how found it's way into his bag. He stared at it's smooth surface, no tool marks could be seen, as though it had always been this shape. There was nothing seemingly special about this stone tablet. Carefully he set it down as to not break it. Reaching back into his bag he found the small pouch containing his small morsels of food. As he took a bite of the old hard bread he studied the stone trying to find any clues as to where it came from. There was nothing, not one sign.
After spending a few moments stressing over the rock he decided it was not worth the headache and decided to go back to relaxing and enjoying the sun shine. As he sat there his mind wandered in and out of subjects; from the warmth of the sun and the comfort of the soft grass, to the dread of having to go back into the forest down the path. The thought of the path naturally led to the great friends he had gathered as he moved down the path. As he thought of one in particular, one that referred to himself solely as The Admiral, the stone popped, the same pop he heard in his dream. His attention snapped to the tablet and there out of the stone shone a picture of The Admiral, the likeness was perfect. As he looked at it words appeared below the picture, writings that seemed to come directly from The Admiral him self. Writings that seemed to be his thoughts. The hero sat amazed at this projection from the stone. In one of the writings The Admiral makes mention of an acquaintance they had met as they walked the path. As the man thought of this acquaintance the stone popped again and just like The Admiral the acquaintance appeared, writings and all.
The young adventurer realized quickly this stone could possibly show him anyone he thought of, and their most recent thoughts. He had to test it, he thought of his mother...pop...the stone reflected the warm happy face he had so long had seen on a daily basis. Her smile brought one to his own face. Quickly he thought of best friend from long ago at the academy...pop...the colorful young man he had known for years appeared. Looking older but still with the same familiar mischievous grin. This too made the young traveler happy. The man thought for a second, it seemed to work with anyone, what if......? No, that was the past. He didn't dare bring up something that may cause problems for him self.
He had to....... The temptation was too great......
He turned his thoughts to the travel companion of old, the one that he had left and in turn left him.....pop.......it worked. There she was. A wave of fear, happiness and sadness rushed through him.
"I told you I could show you."
Monday, November 14, 2011
School? What?!
Lately I have been feeling like I shouldn't be in school, maybe not shouldn't be but more of I should change the school I am in and the field I am going in to. I have been really doubting if that's the profession I want. I still think teaching would be great but I am not sure. I don't know what else I would want to do though. I most definately don't want to be sitting on this stool at American Car Care for the next 40 years....that would suck!
I don't know where this feeling came from; though I do feel it does have something to do with the fact that I am just generally not happy in life. I don't find joy ni the same things anymore. I don't know what happened. Yes I have been taking my medication like I should but there is just a feeling that nothing is right.
I HATE IT!
THere really isn't anything of any importance going on right now though. At least nothing worth noting, because i'm pretty sure you don't want to hear about the 5-7 page paper I have to write about the differences between two novels about the Native American's struggle for respect in the American culture. Wow I am even bored by writing that sentence.
"I am Jack's colon, I get cancer and kill Jack."
I don't know where this feeling came from; though I do feel it does have something to do with the fact that I am just generally not happy in life. I don't find joy ni the same things anymore. I don't know what happened. Yes I have been taking my medication like I should but there is just a feeling that nothing is right.
I HATE IT!
THere really isn't anything of any importance going on right now though. At least nothing worth noting, because i'm pretty sure you don't want to hear about the 5-7 page paper I have to write about the differences between two novels about the Native American's struggle for respect in the American culture. Wow I am even bored by writing that sentence.
"I am Jack's colon, I get cancer and kill Jack."
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I dont think I've ever done this post..
The past year and two months have been a bit interesting...to say the least. And for those of you who don't really know what I am talking about, it's about Olivia. I don't think I have ever posted anything really about her let alone pictures. I told my self that after her first birthday I would make ONE post about her with pictures from the year and that would be the only and last post I do about her just because as much as I have issues about it, I don't want to really think about it or have people asking me about it. Just because it's my past and it's not what's important in my life. So here is a few pictures from the past year of Olivia as she has grown.
That's all I really feel like putting on and I hope you enjoyed them. I have a lot more but those are for me and not for you. She is getting huge and is loving life. Their little family is so happy and it makes me happy to know that.
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