I don't know why I do this to my self but as I was working on things this morning I realized I don't know what I want. I don't know who, where or what I want to be. I think I know what I want but every time I turn around I'm doing something that's completely opposite. I completely crash and burn. I can never find exactly what it is I want.
I guess for now I'll just keep trying to do what I think is right.
"I'm an island, people can visit but that's it."
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Things happen every day.....
The title of this post comes from a show I have been addicted to for the past few months, Weeds. Not the most "wholesome" show but still a very good and interesting. If you don't mind a drug based show with some off color language I think you would enjoy this one. But near the end of season five Nancy (the main character) is sitting with her younger son Shane and he said something I really like. Nancy is trying to apologize to Shane for something and he says, "It's fine, things happen, they happen everyday and tomorrow more things will happen...."
Though that may not be the exact quote, it's close enough to the point. He's right things happen EVERY day, both good and bad, planned and unexpected; that's life and we, more importantly, I need to deal with it. Everyone especially me tries SO hard to force everything to go exactly how we think they should go. That we need our lives to go in an exact perfect path, but it doesn't happen, cause things happen they happen everyday and they will happen tomorrow. Everyone just needs to deal and learn to live, enjoy the things that do go right or enjoy the wrong things that end up being good and make you happy.
-
-
I have one other thing to address, there are 5 people I would like to address but still anonymously in this post. Now you 5 may or may not who you are but still here it is. And to everyone else sorry for the random ambiguity.
#1 - Thank you for being there when I need to talk or need to vent, you know somewhat what I am going through and I appreciate it, sorry for being an ass sometimes but you know that's how I get
#2 - I know we've had our ups and downs and our issues but thank you for listening and caring when I had a some breakdowns. The trips to the mountains with the guns always help and make things a bit bearable. Thank you.
#3 - I'm sorry for how I have treated you from time to time. I try hard to be "stable" and normal but sometimes it doesn't go so well. I am so glad you try so hard to be understanding and want to help. I really really appreciate it.
#4 - I am extremely sorry how the past 5 1/2 months have been. Good at times but it seems like bad shows up more often than not. I know how frustrating I am, I can be, and how I continue to be. I am sorry. I really am trying but I tend to struggle. Please be patient.
#5 - Things are getting better and it is really a good thing. We have had some really serious issues for quite some time now and things are starting to get a lot better and despite what people may say about it. The things we have talked about and shared recently have really changed somethings. I am sorry for how things were going and what happened. I know I have said it before and I will say it again and again but I really am.
-
-
I know no one really cares about that last part but it had to be put up. Thanks for bearing through that with me.
Now I am making this post after 3 in the morning which means I cannot sleep and tomorrow will be an interesting day at work. I have not had my depression medication since Tuesday and I have been having some issues starting to deal with not having it. I have had a couple serious breakdowns, including tonight. I am trying to deal with it and am slowing getting to the point where I can.
Thanks for everyone's help and support.
Don't worry family, I AM FINE.
Though that may not be the exact quote, it's close enough to the point. He's right things happen EVERY day, both good and bad, planned and unexpected; that's life and we, more importantly, I need to deal with it. Everyone especially me tries SO hard to force everything to go exactly how we think they should go. That we need our lives to go in an exact perfect path, but it doesn't happen, cause things happen they happen everyday and they will happen tomorrow. Everyone just needs to deal and learn to live, enjoy the things that do go right or enjoy the wrong things that end up being good and make you happy.
-
-
I have one other thing to address, there are 5 people I would like to address but still anonymously in this post. Now you 5 may or may not who you are but still here it is. And to everyone else sorry for the random ambiguity.
#1 - Thank you for being there when I need to talk or need to vent, you know somewhat what I am going through and I appreciate it, sorry for being an ass sometimes but you know that's how I get
#2 - I know we've had our ups and downs and our issues but thank you for listening and caring when I had a some breakdowns. The trips to the mountains with the guns always help and make things a bit bearable. Thank you.
#3 - I'm sorry for how I have treated you from time to time. I try hard to be "stable" and normal but sometimes it doesn't go so well. I am so glad you try so hard to be understanding and want to help. I really really appreciate it.
#4 - I am extremely sorry how the past 5 1/2 months have been. Good at times but it seems like bad shows up more often than not. I know how frustrating I am, I can be, and how I continue to be. I am sorry. I really am trying but I tend to struggle. Please be patient.
#5 - Things are getting better and it is really a good thing. We have had some really serious issues for quite some time now and things are starting to get a lot better and despite what people may say about it. The things we have talked about and shared recently have really changed somethings. I am sorry for how things were going and what happened. I know I have said it before and I will say it again and again but I really am.
-
-
I know no one really cares about that last part but it had to be put up. Thanks for bearing through that with me.
Now I am making this post after 3 in the morning which means I cannot sleep and tomorrow will be an interesting day at work. I have not had my depression medication since Tuesday and I have been having some issues starting to deal with not having it. I have had a couple serious breakdowns, including tonight. I am trying to deal with it and am slowing getting to the point where I can.
Thanks for everyone's help and support.
Don't worry family, I AM FINE.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I'm back
After a few weeks of silence, I have made it back to the blog. I'm not sure how many people will now read due to the fact that I deleted my Facebook page, FINALLY, but still I'm writing more for my own good more than anything else.
Things have been busy and stressful as ever and I am more ready fir a vacation then I ever have been. Work has gotten so busy that running it alone for half the day is starting to really take it's toll, especially when I have to go home to building problems or homework. Like tonight I would love o go home, relax, play some nazi zombies and pass out early but that won't happen cause I have a laundry list of things I have to do. Lame. But thats life I guess.
New exciting news.... I got a raise, and I knew it was coming but I thought it was going to be about fifty cents or maybe a dollar but to my surprise I actually got a two dollar raise. I am so happy and grateful for that. It's very nice
Well that's all I got for now .... Maybe I'll post again soon.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Things have been busy and stressful as ever and I am more ready fir a vacation then I ever have been. Work has gotten so busy that running it alone for half the day is starting to really take it's toll, especially when I have to go home to building problems or homework. Like tonight I would love o go home, relax, play some nazi zombies and pass out early but that won't happen cause I have a laundry list of things I have to do. Lame. But thats life I guess.
New exciting news.... I got a raise, and I knew it was coming but I thought it was going to be about fifty cents or maybe a dollar but to my surprise I actually got a two dollar raise. I am so happy and grateful for that. It's very nice
Well that's all I got for now .... Maybe I'll post again soon.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, March 18, 2011
This is not a happy post
I am going to try very hard not to swear in this post and as the title states this will not be a happy post.
To those of you who, as of today made my day completely horrible. . . I hope bad, horrible things happen to you. Those people include the person who puked in my hall and bathroom but didn't clean it up, the kids who egged my truck, the people that have already yelled at me at work today, and of course .... My self for making my own life twenty times harder than it needs to be.
Now just so you all know I'm taking a break from life until Saturday, maybe even Sunday. Which means I will most likely not be answering my phone. It's not cause I'm mad at you it's just because I need some time alone and away from EVERYONE. I have needed this for a while and keep saying I will do it but I keep not doing anything about it, but I am this weekend so please don't try to find me. I'll find you when I'm ready.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Location:S Main St,Ephraim,United States
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
In the morning when I rise...
What do you do when you want someone but don't at the same time? . . . What do you do when there are four different ones at the same time? What happens when you REALLY like someone but you can't decide what to do? Needless to say, I don't know.
".. And tell me everything is going to be alright."
".. And tell me everything is going to be alright."
Sunday, March 13, 2011
In celebration...
So I just saw that this will be my 50th post. . . . hooray? At fifty different times I guess I have had nothing to do, wow . . what a wonderful life eh? Anywho .... on with the show.
This weekend has been .. good .. interesting .. unexpected .. way too short. Now let me explain something real quick about this here 50th post, it's mostly going to be me writing out my thoughts, a couple a vents, and just all around randomness that I just need to get off my chest. And as you all know I don't really like to talk in person, SO this is the best I got. This week at work was one of the slowest yet if not the slowest. It just would not end. I have been stressed and worn out with that place for the past few weeks and I feel like it's finally catching up with me. I need a break from there and more than just the two days of the weekend because those are always full of things to do that I didn't get done during the week. I'm ready for a vacation but for those of you who know me, that will never happen because I am too stingy and a workaholic. By Friday of this past week I was fighting with 2 of my technicians about labor hours, job placement and just about everything else. It has now more than ever cemented the fact that I do NOT want to run my own business ever. Not fun. So I am ready for a longer break.
I guess when I get flustered and can clear my head I fall back on the old my numbing head clearer......cleaning. My apartment and truck are immaculate. I am so happy to have them both clean. And if my roommates don't heed the warning on the fridge to keep the place clean I'm gonna come unglued. I am sick of coming home to an apartment that smells like 15 homeless men under the mounds of trash piling up in the corners. I just want a better place to live or a bit better "behaved" roommates.
I have had a few conversations with a couple of people the past couple of days, namely Mom, Brent and Cory about some of the things posted here. Yes I know they are vague, but that's so that I don't get in trouble with other people for being completely honest. But with that put to the side I am being clear in this post so here you go... I had dinner with Lyric Friday night. I came up to Spanish Fork and really wanted to see her because of that dream I had. The dinner was great, I was so happy to be back around her. She really does make me happy. Afterward I told her of my dream and how I was feeling and I thought it would clear some air and make things a bit easier, but to be honest I'm pretty sure that I confused the hell out of her and actually made my self sad for the stupid decision I made 5 weeks or so ago. I made a mistake and I told her that. We both left happy to see each other again but confused and a bit sad.
As far as dating here in Ephraim I feel like I have rushed into things a bit too fast and did it to cover up how I felt about everything that has happened with Lyric. I do feel horrible about how this is going to make people feel and I am so sorry. I really am. Sorry.
I was talking with Magnum today when I got back from a drive and it's funny even though we really don't do a lot of long intense conversations just the small things said on both our parts made me think even more. I am really happy that Magnum is such a good friend. He is such a good guy, it will be sad if they move far. But it helped me realize that though I do like it here and I love my job and am very grateful for it, I really don't want to stay here long. I love my family and friends up in Utah county. I miss them. Being up there the past few weekends and seeing them so much and hanging out a lot made me realize that I do miss them and wish I could be around more often.
On other notes, I have been really stressed lately about .. the future. Yeah I know weird..... I have been reading a lot of news lately. The itouch makes it easy to do so. And I don't know what's happening with everything falling to crap but it's not cool. It makes me nervous for my plans for the future and for the fact that I want a family of my own. Life is way hard right now and it's just going to get harder and I don't really want to make my kids go through that but I know having a family is a good thing. I am jealous of what Cory has.
Back to the conversation I was having with Magnum. We were talking about jobs he's been looking for and he made mention of changing his major because he's realized he may not like it or may be better at something else. He said that he believes everyone is really good at at least one thing professionally. Some people see it and take advantage of it, some people ignore it and go for money instead, and some people don't ever see it and wish they had. It really made me think about what I want to do in life. I want to teach but I kinda don't. Is it what I am best at? I haven't had much experience with it, how would I know? Would I be better suited for something like what I am doing now? I don't know what to think. It's a bit frustrating.
So I know this has been a very long post and I will be surprised if anyone really makes it to the end and actually pays attention. But there you go, an open insight to my mind right now. Now this is the part that no one will like. I love you all and really do like that you are concerned about me and my life and all that blah blah blah ...... BUT this post was just a vent, release to my mind. I DO NOT want to talk about these things and won't really be happy if I get phone calls all about it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take this all for what it's worth.....not a whole lot. This is just like me writing in a journal just to get things out. They aren't really up for discussion. Sorry.
I hope you aren't too mad and will still continue to read in the future.
Peace
"Sometimes I go a little crazy like you."
This weekend has been .. good .. interesting .. unexpected .. way too short. Now let me explain something real quick about this here 50th post, it's mostly going to be me writing out my thoughts, a couple a vents, and just all around randomness that I just need to get off my chest. And as you all know I don't really like to talk in person, SO this is the best I got. This week at work was one of the slowest yet if not the slowest. It just would not end. I have been stressed and worn out with that place for the past few weeks and I feel like it's finally catching up with me. I need a break from there and more than just the two days of the weekend because those are always full of things to do that I didn't get done during the week. I'm ready for a vacation but for those of you who know me, that will never happen because I am too stingy and a workaholic. By Friday of this past week I was fighting with 2 of my technicians about labor hours, job placement and just about everything else. It has now more than ever cemented the fact that I do NOT want to run my own business ever. Not fun. So I am ready for a longer break.
I guess when I get flustered and can clear my head I fall back on the old my numbing head clearer......cleaning. My apartment and truck are immaculate. I am so happy to have them both clean. And if my roommates don't heed the warning on the fridge to keep the place clean I'm gonna come unglued. I am sick of coming home to an apartment that smells like 15 homeless men under the mounds of trash piling up in the corners. I just want a better place to live or a bit better "behaved" roommates.
I have had a few conversations with a couple of people the past couple of days, namely Mom, Brent and Cory about some of the things posted here. Yes I know they are vague, but that's so that I don't get in trouble with other people for being completely honest. But with that put to the side I am being clear in this post so here you go... I had dinner with Lyric Friday night. I came up to Spanish Fork and really wanted to see her because of that dream I had. The dinner was great, I was so happy to be back around her. She really does make me happy. Afterward I told her of my dream and how I was feeling and I thought it would clear some air and make things a bit easier, but to be honest I'm pretty sure that I confused the hell out of her and actually made my self sad for the stupid decision I made 5 weeks or so ago. I made a mistake and I told her that. We both left happy to see each other again but confused and a bit sad.
As far as dating here in Ephraim I feel like I have rushed into things a bit too fast and did it to cover up how I felt about everything that has happened with Lyric. I do feel horrible about how this is going to make people feel and I am so sorry. I really am. Sorry.
I was talking with Magnum today when I got back from a drive and it's funny even though we really don't do a lot of long intense conversations just the small things said on both our parts made me think even more. I am really happy that Magnum is such a good friend. He is such a good guy, it will be sad if they move far. But it helped me realize that though I do like it here and I love my job and am very grateful for it, I really don't want to stay here long. I love my family and friends up in Utah county. I miss them. Being up there the past few weekends and seeing them so much and hanging out a lot made me realize that I do miss them and wish I could be around more often.
On other notes, I have been really stressed lately about .. the future. Yeah I know weird..... I have been reading a lot of news lately. The itouch makes it easy to do so. And I don't know what's happening with everything falling to crap but it's not cool. It makes me nervous for my plans for the future and for the fact that I want a family of my own. Life is way hard right now and it's just going to get harder and I don't really want to make my kids go through that but I know having a family is a good thing. I am jealous of what Cory has.
Back to the conversation I was having with Magnum. We were talking about jobs he's been looking for and he made mention of changing his major because he's realized he may not like it or may be better at something else. He said that he believes everyone is really good at at least one thing professionally. Some people see it and take advantage of it, some people ignore it and go for money instead, and some people don't ever see it and wish they had. It really made me think about what I want to do in life. I want to teach but I kinda don't. Is it what I am best at? I haven't had much experience with it, how would I know? Would I be better suited for something like what I am doing now? I don't know what to think. It's a bit frustrating.
So I know this has been a very long post and I will be surprised if anyone really makes it to the end and actually pays attention. But there you go, an open insight to my mind right now. Now this is the part that no one will like. I love you all and really do like that you are concerned about me and my life and all that blah blah blah ...... BUT this post was just a vent, release to my mind. I DO NOT want to talk about these things and won't really be happy if I get phone calls all about it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take this all for what it's worth.....not a whole lot. This is just like me writing in a journal just to get things out. They aren't really up for discussion. Sorry.
I hope you aren't too mad and will still continue to read in the future.
Peace
"Sometimes I go a little crazy like you."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)